These are the words echoing throughout my Self, just getting thoughts down to share.......(i'm sorry it's long, but it really is very important to me)

It's been near every day lately that two things occur to me:
1) time moves by extremely quickly
2) the past will never die and leave me alone.
i figure, and i hope, however, that eventually it will.

i guess i'm kinda living for the weekends now so i can really sit down and FOCUS on my schoolwork. . .
and also try to pay some attention to the many hobbies i renewed interest in during this summer while i was trying so hard to distract myself any way i could. . .

i want to BE.
i want time to just slow down and let me work.
either that, or give me the talent and the brains to speed everything up.
writing, drawing, music playing, are the main ones, but even just the three take a LOT of time because there are near infinite creations.
and this is just self down-time.
i find it's hard to do much of anything, no matter how badly i wanted to do it in the first place, without thinking about that someone close to me. ( ~Lu-Bu-TheTerrible we finally got to posting some stuff, go check it out!!! *and speaking of, there's a heck of a lot more i gotta get to posting for him too, since he doesn't have a scanner or anything. but this may have to wait for a bit longer, too (because honestly there really is no rush... ) * )
so i could go a whole morning thinking "oh i wanna get this and this and this done!" and when i finally sit down to do it..."sigh...i wanna work on it!!!..but i wanna talk to Ralph... hm what time is it??"

yeah. it's only been 77 days but i've learned to love him quite a bit...he's very understanding, sweet, and easy to be around. sure there MAY be a couple things i wish i could change, but you know...maybe those things endear him to me a little bit more. who knows? (maybe, maybe not?)
(i know eventually he will read this. )
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but today...again...i was reminded of the thing i wish most to forget.
i know i'd promised myself i wouldn't. that i'd remember it always, to keep those philosophies with me, to not ignore the ghost of myself who cowers in darkness, too afraid to even ATTEMPT to look near the light. but maybe loosing that understanding is part of growing up. in fact, i already feel those parts of me starting to whither away, i'm becoming more of the person i used to despise, but at the same time, the type of person i've always thought i'd be-and desired to be.

i see the darkness in a numbered few around me.
i witnessed that darkness.
that darkness is different for each person, and i'm afraid of worsening it for them, so i shy away.
that darkness is very similar for each person, and i want to lend a hand.
what do i say, what CAN i say other than "i've been there, and i am willing to help if you will let me, and if you will trust me, and if you want out of this darkness."

and at the other end of the spectrum, there are those who've never tasted eternal sorrow, that specific brand of constant cloud...
and i can honestly say i feel sorry for them.
and at the same time, there is joyfulness, and happiness expressed for their ignorance.

and to think that when i myself would've welcomed death without a second thought,
i would always be pained to know that any other one person-whether i knew them or not-was thinking the same for themselves.

i want to say that's any number combination of things.
a strange mixture of sorrow, self-consciousness, lack of self-confidence, sarcasm, irony, pain, jealousy, envy, craving for attention, and a small pinch of kindness.

and yet this isn't to say that even those who seem happy, or those who play off their bouts of depression as just "nothing wrong" and try to smile to get you off their back...
it doesn't mean you have to fall for it.
risk sounding stupid and persistant.
it's a risk that you never know will save a life (whether metaphorically or literally)
a risk you will regret not taking after the fact, when you know it could've been prevented.
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there's a lot on my mind, you see.
a lot i worry about.

i've made a decision, you know?
a decision that i would take my own life into my own hands.
to become the person i want to be.
even more than the growth towards that goal that occured this summer.

Please Understand.
I'm not that little anymore,
and i wish you could all see how much i've grown...